whats wrong with me?

can somebody tell me exactly how i should feel about baptism class?
am i suppose to feel excited?
happy?
ecstatic about it?
because i don't

i feel indifferent about it
i decided to get baptised because one sunday during cell group yi ming korkor said
"why are you not baptized? you should get baptized, there's no reason not to get baptized right?"

and so i ask dawn the jia en
"want to get baptized this christmas?"
and she said ok and so we signed up

at first, i was quite happy i was gonna get baptized.
but when i went for my first baptism class
my mind was "why am i here?"
and of course pastor gave the model answer
"because you want to tell the whole world you are a christian. and you believe in God that Jesus saved you from your sins."

great.

i knew that since i was 5 years old
so whats new?

so i went through the 1st to 3rd baptism class
and its a model answer class
everything is in model answer form

there's no argument to why baptist only take holy communion after baptism. so if you are not baptized you don't take holy communion because you haven't shown the world you are saved

and so... i have to show the world i'm saved before i can partake in the hloy communion.

ok...

honestly
i still don't quite understand why i must SHOW THE WORLD
SHOW THE WORLD
i get baptized because God said to declare my faith to all the people and i have no arguments on that
but Pastor said "i don't know if you are a christian yet so cannot take holy communion" (not exactly word for word... and i was like.

why you must know for what? God knows can liow what.

then he was like "ya la ya la, God knows can already... .... ... .... ..... but we don't know what"
and i was like "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ASKING ME BACK TO SAME QUESTION I ASKED YOU!?!?!?!?!?!!"

and who are we human beings to judge another human being on their faith in the Lord?

i thought only God can judge who really believes in Him?

I believe i have these questions because i'm not close with the Lord.
I am not sensitive to Him and i've not been reading the bible.
but yet again, i feel like i'm close to God simply because I can feel His love and mercy everywhere i go
when i say everywhere i go meaning
EVERY STEP OF THE DAY
i walk in and out of the kitchen, to my room, to play with mao mao
i can feel God's blessing and mercy on me.
His guidance and presence is everywhere

so whats wrong with me?
is it a lack of sleep?

if everything had a model answer...
what are we living for?

and during baptism class
pastor brought up the fact church is a family
so why are our brothers and sisters leaving this family like water running from a tap?
what's wrong with our family?
how come there are unresolved hatred within our family
that seems to exist but doesn't surface

i'm baffled
why am i signing up to get baptized, to join the cherith family..
the cherith family with members running away like tap water?
i don't understand

who understands please raise your hand and answer my question now.

the reason i stay in cherith and decided to get baptized is because i see the younger generation growing up closely knit and happy together. when i hang out with the kids i feel like i'm making up for all the lost time i had in TF when i HATED HATED ABHOR ED BEING IN CHURCH.
i will tell my teacher that i need a piece of tissue and run off to the opposite side and never appear again.

so, why should i join cherith when i hate it so much? but yet like it at the same time?
whats going on?
i don't know.

cool down and sleep more

sometimes, some things, just need more sleep, more time, cool down, chill
and then everything will be better.

as a young 20 year old girl,
i know sometimes i don't set a good example for all the children of the world
and i don't think properly sometimes and say the wrong things

but, as a young 20 year old girl,
what am i to do?

as of now.
i think i should get more sleep and when somebody makes me angry
i should just chill and relax
take it easy
and if somebody really gets on my nerves
i just let it go...

on sunday i threw such a big tantrum
like as if i was 12 years old.
in baptism class, i just sat there, head turned away from pastor.
ya la, i was angry at him la.
but that's another story..
i know nobody gets angry with pastors because they are pastors.
but i did la. ok. i feel bad la oK!!!
anyway, i was saying..
then i just turn away, i was listening.
but i just didn't want to look at pastor.

i didn't sleep the whole fri to sat..(when i say i didn't sleep means. i literally never sleep. i never climb into my bed..) and then sat to sun i only slept 4 hours..
and i REALLY REALLY WANTED TO GO HOME TO SLEEP!
and my fellow jia-en was going to have make-up class for baptism.. so i thought i'd join her.
i approached pastor and asked him if i could skip this class and go for make-up with dawn (my fellow jiaen)
and the conversation went..

me: can i do make-up with dawn?
ps: then my class only 2 people might as well cancel.
me: .... (dazed and dying)
ps: no la, you just come today... why you cannot come?
me: cos i have no transport back (freaking lie... i just wanted to sleep actually)
ps: oh.. then i send you home?
me: .............. (DUH OF COURSE I DONT WANT PS TO SEND ME HOME RIGHT! what am i going to say in the car sitting beside him? then must act holy and all... forget it man)
*LONG PAUSE*
me: but you are going to do make-up with dawn right? so what difference is it going to make?
ps: i can do make-up with her in yishun, near her house.
me: (in my brain: *^^%$*&*%$%$&*%%$#&^*&) 

the conversation ended with me agreeing to go for baptism class and while crossing the road i let out a LOUD ROAR! i made sure every single human being alive could here me scream out my displeasure with pastor's weird-ness.

i went back to church and i called dawn and i YELLED INTO THE PHONE ABOUT HOW SCREWED UP EVERYTHING WAS... and then i YELLED TO MY SISTER (not AT HER.. TO HER) that i'm VERYVERY TIRED AND I WANTED TO SLEEP.

and i just sat on the bench outside the sanctuary and threw my bag on the floor and SULKED.
like a baby. if i had a picture taken. i'll look exactly like jeremy when he doesn't get what he wants.

and then dajie said
"did u tell pastor u didn't sleep at all?"

then it occurred to me
"eh ya hor.. i never even tell him"
but then i think again..
"then he sure say if i can dun sleep and make cake, i cannot dun sleep and read the bible meh.."
so i gave up the explanation and went for baptism class

i'm sure God wasn't too pleased with me because i was unwilling to go to the baptism class
and somemore angry with the pastor

but i said my sorries to God but i didn't apologise to Pastor.
because. i still don't understand why he's so inflexible.
Dawn is going to do make-up anyway
if i join, u won't be wasting much of your saliva right?!

and to be honest, at that point i really wanted to say "I GIVE UP BEING BAPTIZED!"
whats the point when i go for baptism class and have everything read out to me like a record player
and when i ask question it doesn't get answered.
whats the point?

actually, i'm writing this entry down to get over this matter and stop thinking about it and just admit my mistake and move on.

but the more i write, the more it seems like i'm very upset with baptism class being the way it is rather than me being rude to pastor on Sunday.

ok, so to get it clear to myself
1. I'm sorry I was rude to pastor.
2. I'm sorry to God I was rude to pastor
3. I shouldn't have been mad and angry because i was tired and i shouldn't have let my emotions take over.

and by the way hor..
i was rude to pastor i just didn't look at him during baptism class
but i didn't yell or scream at him hor.
i talk to him like a normal human being.
not a can of coke.

and the things i'm unclear about is
1. why on earth is baptism class like this?
2. why was pastor inflexible
3. so who's fault was it? was it me?

and the ultimate conclusion in my brain now is a big fat QUESTION MARK.

Always Lulumao! (:

Lulu mao is fatter now! (: cos she eats so much... (:

First time changing her cage which was 2 weeks ago... i only had her for 4 weeks and i changed her cage only 1 time in 2 weeks. and she gets REALLY mad when i change her cage because all her hidden food will be gone! hahah.

Escapist....

CUTE NOSE!

She sleeps like a human being

Haha. her waterbottle spoil.. so she drinks water like this. ...

Worst Saturday ever! ):

the boyfriend and cakes

The boyfriend at work! (:

the strawberry cake  posted on my cake blog

was decorated with help from the boyfriend.

hahaha.

Its very funny to see a tall and clumsy fella spreading cream on cakes.

looks very gay i must say

its ok. u go watch ur soccer.

HAHAHAHAHAA (:

Fat Mei Mei #11 - Fats in a Bag!

I came home from tuition one day... i don't know which day...

and dajie was carrying fat mei mei... and she kept eye-ing my bag! (: my big green bag.

and she leaned forward to try to grab it...

and so dajie and I decided to put her in..

So we packed her fats... and put them in the bag!

and this just proves my bag is DAMN strong!

its from Charles & Keith... so well, you know Charles & Keith's bags are quite powerful if it can pack an almost 10kg baby in it!

and Fat Mei Mei seems to like it. haha! ;p

Hi Mommy! I'm in Shiao Yi's bag! (:

Shiao Yi's face so round. HAHAHHA

Its quite comfortable i must say! (:

Fat Mei Mei! Quickly grow up!

ok i am ok!

yipee yay! i feel better.
i am ok! (:

the end of it all shall come soon

Dear Jia En,

I know you are living a nightmare now
and i know monday to wednesdays are torturous
i know you have no more patience.
i know you are dying to die now
i know its hard
just one more week dear

who cares if parents complained cos you were late.
leave it, don't feel sad
just move on...
because you know it wasn't your fault that sembawang is so ******* far from your house

who cares if somebody exaggerated matters and made you disrespected...
leave it, don't feel sad
just move on...
because you know no matter what you say now, the boys will still laugh at you for being a coward
but the main point is i'm not a coward and what the boys think of you is not at all important as compared to what God thinks of you.

who cares if Joseph had such bad attitude to you.
leave it, don't feel sad
just move on...
he's only 7.
maybe he'll get his retribution when he needs to visit the dentist next time but doesn't have a single cent then he'll have to give tuition to another 7 year old asshole and then the 7 year old asshole will give him hell...

who cares if you met a madman who tried to spit on you when you were on the bus to tuition..
leave it, don't feel sad
just move on...
as you said, he's mad. he doesn't know what he is doing.

who cares if you constantly have to open and shut doors and disturb neighbours to get keys to the centre and to the house
leave it, don't feel sad
just move on...
very soon, all these disturbing acts will end. and the person who troubled you will also be well-taken-care of!!!!

ARHHHHHHHHHH
INJUSTICE!!!!!!!!
ARHHHHHHHHHH

i quit!
i quit sembawang
i quit ez learners
and i quit being a teacher totally
i am seriously not good at it!
i don't want to continue killing innocent kids.

to the pple of sbw:
"when you see my face i hope it gives you hell
when you walk my way i hope it gives you hell
when you hear this song i hope it gives you hell!"

i feel so sad so bad so frustrated.

Lulu Mao

Lulu Mao! my baby! (:

was working late one night!

and my lovely baby stayed up with me

scurrying around my table,

on my comp

everywhere!

her favourite hangout!

I love Lulu Mao! (: she's the best!

Little Baker Girl - #2

It's Por Por's Birthday! so what do we do?

Shiao Yih doesn't want to decorate the birthday cake herself,

because she's tired and brain drained

so of course, the little baker girl comes to the rescue!

She puts some fruits on the cake

and arranges them in a straight line.

HAHAHA. GOD KNOWS WHY SHE ARRANGES THEM IN STRAIGHT LINES!

hahaha. so... after a few straight lines, she puts some chocolate chips on...

and she feels happy that she's accomplished her mission! (:

The interesting end product!

Thank You Tiffany!

just in case you don't wanna study next time,

shiao yih will need your help in arranging berries in straight lines! (:

AHAHAHAHHAAH.

Shiao Yih's not laughing at you k?

i really think you are very cute!